Marriage Focus: Weekend Away

My husband and I were able to get away for a long weekend recently. It is one of those things I wish we'd done more of when our children were younger. Money and childcare were definite obstacles. But even if you can't go away together, it is so important to find time to focus on being friends and lovers, not just parents, housemates, etc.  The marriage relationship needs to be nurtured in order for it to thrive, and since it is the foundation of your home and your family, it deserves priority over other activities in your life.

Mark took a day and a half of vacation, and we left on Thursday afternoon, headed 4 1/2 hours west to Asheville, NC.  We both love the mountains and our oldest son lives there.  My travel-savvy daughter suggested we try Airbnb instead of our normal Hampton Inn or Holiday Inn,  and although Mark was skeptical, I went ahead and booked us a place in Swannanoa, between Asheville and Black Mountain. Airbnb is an online marketplace where people list homes, apartments, or rooms to rent to travelers coming to their city.  We were able to rent a lovely "in-law" apartment with a full kitchen, living room, bedroom and bathroom in a home on a peaceful, quiet, and beautifully landscaped country lot. The owners have renovated their home into a "duplex", and they live on one side and rent out the other side when their grown children are not visiting. The cost was less than an average hotel room, with much more comfort and convenience!

Jade Tree Place

 

view from the front porch 

 

We spent Friday at the Biltmore Estate, America's largest privately-owned home, built by George Vanderbilt II in the 1890's.  Sitting on over 8000 acres of beautiful gardens, meadows, and woodlands, the gorgeous Gilded Age limestone mansion was modeled after French Renaissance chateaus,  with steeply pitched roofs, turrets, and much sculptural ornamentation, complete with gargoyles.  The home has 250 rooms, including 45 bathrooms,  33 bedrooms, a bowling alley, a 70,000-gallon swimming pool, 4 kitchens, and a gorgeous banquet hall,  flanked by a triple fireplace at one end and an impressive pipe organ up in a raised gallery at the other end.  Tours through the house are self-guided, and audio headsets are available for a fee.  We did that once, and learned a great deal of fascinating information about the construction of the estate,  the Vanderbilt family, the lifestyle of the very rich at the turn of the 1900s, the workings of a large estate home, and much more.  This time we just wandered through, admiring the furnishings and architecture.  There was a exhibit going on, of wedding fashion featuring costumes from iconic movies such as Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, Out of Africa, and more.  The house was decorated with gorgeous floral arrangements to go along with the wedding theme as well. 

 

 

This type of day is really my "thing", and not so much my husband's.  My right-brainy self loves history, architecture, art, gardens, romance... all that wandering through a gilded castle in the lush Blue Ridge mountains on a perfect June day invokes.  My engineer, left-brained, very practical husband is not much impressed with all that,  BUT this outing was his idea, and he participated gladly,  noticing many of the details and early uses of technology - electricity, indoor plumbing, etc.   And he knew that visiting this place makes ME happy.   I appreciate the effort, because more often than not, we wrangle over what to do together, trying to find things we BOTH would choose, instead of deferring to and enjoying what the other person prefers for a time.  It feels good to know that my man spent a day doing something I enjoy, simply because he wanted me to enjoy it.  

On Saturday, we spent the morning walking through lovely downtown Black Mountain, exploring some of the crafty shops ~  well, me exploring the shops while Mark sat on a bench outside;  he can only tolerate so much, after all.  Then we met up with our son, Alex, and drove to Chimney Rock State Park. This is the kind of thing we did a lot of in our younger, camping years with our family. But Mark and I are both out-of-hiking-shape.  Still, we pushed ourselves up the 500 very-structurally-sturdy steps from the parking area to the top of Chimney Rock and were rewarded with amazing views.  I struggled a bit more than my hubby, but the boys were patient to wait for me when I needed to pause for a breather on the way up, and down, and again on the 1.5 mile trek to the waterfall that we somehow thought was a good idea.   I did it though, although my back hasn't been quite the same since.  I probably need to do a little physical training ahead of time before I attempt something like that again.  I really feel pathetic even saying that, but age and relative inactivity means I'm not as sprightly as I once was. 

It was a fun trip.  Not perfect, because we are imperfect. We fussed a bit too much over trivial things, but we enjoyed exploring some new places, spending a day with our first-born, and just spending time together away from the pulls and routines of being at home.

See more Weekly Wrap Ups at Weird Unsocialized Homeschoolers

Ballroom Dance Lessons, Marriage Therapy, Same thing

Mark and I just finished the Ballroom Dance lessons that I signed us up for without really asking. Our 14 year old son took them with us. The class was taught by a friends of ours and was made up of homeschooled teens and a few married couples. I love to dance and have fond memories of dancing to big band records with my dad in our living room when I was young.   Mark, not so much. But still, since our middle son is getting married this summer, he was a good sport and figured it might be good to have a couple of smooth moves to show off on the wedding dance floor.

 In seven 2-hour lessons, we learned the foxtrot, waltz, cha cha, East Coast swing, and Virginia Reel, as well as dance floor management and etiquette.  We also learned a few other things.

I will follow, but only if I think he is "doing it right".  Otherwise I will boss and complain.

I won't follow if he isn't leading strongly enough.   What am I, a mind reader?

It is important for the man to keep a strong frame, and for the lady to offer resistance so he can direct her.  Well, finally something I'm good at!

Our friends who were helping teach the class laughed at with us, sharing that they had experienced similar challenges as beginning dancers, and suggesting that ballroom dance class was good marriage therapy. 


Theme song:  Where You Lead, I Will Follow  (and I love Carole King)

 

Always Something to Learn - Be My Valentine Marriage Challenge

 

http://womenlivingwell.org/2013/01/be-my-valentine-marriage-challenge/

“Each week the challenge will be the same – to praise, encourage, inspire, admire, build up, thank and appreciate your husband. But each week I will give you different ways to express your praise."

As a parent and homeschool mom, learning is very important to me. I stress the importance of "life-long learning", not just learning something for a test and not just confining learning to the few hours and years we designate as "school".   I preach to my children and to the homeschool moms I mentor the importance of developing a "lifestyle of learning" and of learning HOW TO LEARN, first and foremost.  Then you are prepared to tackle whatever challenges life throws at you!  My goal has always been to help my children "build a toolbox" of knowledge and skills, not just so we can check things off the list on our way to a high school transcript, but so they are prepared to enter the adult world and continue to learn and adapt and change and grow....

So.

I have been married for 30 years. About a year ago I came to the stunning conclusion that I had not applied this philosophy to one very important area of my life.  My marriage.  Yes, I had read articles and listened to sermons and speakers from time to time on the importance of working on the marriage relationship and not taking it for granted. I thought I was doing a decent job at being a loving and dutiful wife. 

Yeah, I am a terrible housekeeper, but he doesn't complain, until there is no clean underwear in his drawer, and then he usually goes out and buys another package anyway.   

Yeah, I am awfully forgetful and oftentimes the things he asks of me go in one ear and out the other. (I am over age 50 and I swear, my short-term memory is like a sieve!)  

Yeah, I don't look much like the girl he married when we were both 22, but he still loves me, and losing weight and getting in shape is SO HARD.  Who has time for that?

We were both busy with our various responsibilities, both within our household and outside of it.  Division of labor.  I cook, shop, take care of the housework and the kids. He works, pays the bills, keeps up the car and house maintenance. I started and continue to be a leader in a local homeschool support association, volunteered at church, teach classes from time to time, and bake cupcakes.   He coached the kids in sports,  helped with the Boy Scout troop, and now directs the homeschool sports program.  The problem was, this division of labor set us on a path of "parallel lives", instead of "intertwined lives".   It wasn't something apparent to an outside observer; heck, we didn't even really have a clue that what we were doing was in any way damaging our relationship. But emotionally, a chasm was forming that grew wider. And wider. And wider.   

It takes some serious effort to bridge a gap like that after it forms.  It takes deliberate and purposeful and concentrated effort.  But in order to honor the vows taken before God and man, that we take our spouse " to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part", it is essential to make the time and to be a  LEARNER.  That's right.  A good marriage doesn't just happen, and there is plenty for me to learn about how to be a better wife to my husband.  The benefit is not just to him, but to me as well, since I intend to live with this man for a long, long time still!

SO, to get back to the "Be My Valentine" Marriage Challenge linked at the top of this post... this is from one of the many wonderful, godly marriage-centered blogs out there where I have discovered encouragement and inspiration in this endeavor.  This particular challenge encourages wives to heap praise on their men, since that is one of the universal needs of the male species.  God made them that way for a reason, so who am I to complain?  

“When you touch your husband’s deepest need something good almost always happens!”

~ Dr. Emerson Eggerich

 

 Funny story - last week I wrote a simple line on my Facebook status, saying that I loved my husband and thanking him for being a wonderful husband and father. One of his friends immediately called him and accused him of hacking my Facebook.

Hmm.  Guess I need to do things like that more often so they aren't such a SHOCK. 

This week, the "Be My Valentine" Challenge is Creative Praise - being creative in showing him how much I love him. 

Here are ideas that I've gleaned from other people ( I haven't done these yet )

• create a daily scavenger hunt of love notes hidden in different places where your hubby will find them
• write a love message on the driveway with sidewalk chalk 
• hole punch and clip together 26 blank index cards, then make an Alphabet Book of things you love about him.
• blow up balloons and attach a loving message to each one; have them fill your bedroom :- )
• sticky note or shaving cream messages on the bathroom mirror
• use window paint to draw your initials inside a heart on his car window, along with adjectives describing him, like "Strong", "Sweet", "Kind", "Handsome"....
• make him lunches this week ( if you don't usually do that ) and include a love note in each one

You Are the Peanut to my Butter

  

My husband and I may be polar opposites in some ways, but we also complete each other.

I love you, M.H.

 

Join the "Be My Valentine" Marriage Challenge.

http://womenlivingwell.org/2013/01/be-my-valentine-marriage-challenge/

Working On Marriage

Well, I'm sorry. Apparently I lied when I said the hiatus was over. Let's try again.

This past year I have spent a great deal of time thinking about how to improve my marriage. To be perfectly honest, after 30 years together we had gotten complacent and distant. After hearing Heidi St. John speak at last year's NCHE Homeschool Conference, I realized we were living parallel lives instead of intertwined ones, and I resolved to do something to remedy that.  I started reading marriage blogs, books, and articles, and really praying about how to breathe some life into our relationship.  It is rather hard to get a boulder rolling again once forward momentum is lost, but effort and perseverance go a long way in getting things going.  It doesn't happen quickly.  But there is movement in the right direction, so I am encouraged.

Here are some of the resources I have discovered that are giving me encouragement and ideas for breathing fresh life into our marriage.

Why spend time reading things like this? I think sometimes when we cry out to God about something that troubles us, he gently directs us to resources that have been created by others whose hearts have been in the same state as ours. And the result is blessing and renewal. 

Stay tuned for a post about our Valentine's Day project,  MISSION:DATE NIGHT.

Long Marriages - A Counter-Cultural Legacy

Mark and I will celebrate our 30th Wedding Anniversary this summer. Since I got married on my 22nd birthday, I have spent a significantly larger portion of my life married to this man than not.

I, Beth, take you, Mark, to be my husband, ....

It hasn't always been easy.  Does this surprise anyone out there who is actually married?  The idea of marriage is romantic and wonderful and exciting and fulfilling, and the reality of marriage is that it is those things due to extremely HARD WORK.  But what worthwhile thing is not the result of hard work?  To quote one of my husband's favorite movie lines from "A League of Their Own",

 "It's supposed to be hard. 

If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it.

The hard... is what makes it great. "

...to have and to hold from this day forward,...

 One of the speakers at this year's NCHE Homeschool Conference did two sessions on marriage, and the importance of making this relationship a priority, for both our and our children's sakes!  The speaker, Heidi St. John, shared how her extended family was full of a legacy of divorce -  parents, siblings, cousins. I realized that my family's legacy is very different than that.

... for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer,...

My extended family is full of long marriages.  So is Mark's.  My parents have been married for 53 years. Mark's dad passed away almost 10 years ago, still in love with the wife of his youth.  Mark's siblings have all been married for more than 20 years.  My siblings waited longer to get married, but my sister and brother have both been married for over 10 years, and my youngest brother gave up bachelorhood just a year ago and is now happily esconced in wedded life. All of my aunts and uncles have had long marriages to one life-partner, and all but one of my cousins.

I don't think we realize what an amazing thing this is.

...in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish,...

The actual statistics related to marriage and divorce rates in this country are murky, but it is undeniable that the statistics are pretty dismal and that broken marriages and families are all around us. Divorce is in the church and in the homeschool community just like everywhere else.  Statistics aren't so murky in pointing out the effects of divorce on children and on communities. We are surrounded by brokenness and bitterness and resentment and loneliness and fatalism.  The institution of marriage is often attacked and berated as society grapples with the fall-out of generations that didn't honor their word or put others first, or more importantly, respect God's Word. 

My prayer is that my children appreciate and embrace this counter-cultural legacy, and realize what a treasure they have there.  It won't make their own marriages any easier, but hopefully will give them a vision for what it means to make a commitment to somebody for the rest of your life. You take the good with the bad, the ups with the downs, and you fight and work for what is worthwhile.  The wedding vows we made were a promise, our word before God and family and friends. And thirty years down the road, they still hold us together.

...from this day forward, until death do us part.

 

NCHE Homeschool Conference 2012

I just got back from my annual weekend at the NCHE Homeschool Conference and Book Fair in Winston-Salem. I have attended every year since we made the decision to begin homeschooling our children 19 years ago!  Some years the whole family has gone, some years it has been just Mark and me, and some years I have gone solo and hung out with my girlfriends. This was one of those years, and my friend, Becky, and I shared a hotel room and hung out for the weekend, browsing the vendor hall, listening to speakers, eating out, and staying up half the night talking!

We started off the weekend by attending the support group leaders luncheon, and hearing Carol Barnier,  Heidi St. John, and Dr. Chena Flood speak to leaders from across the state. For the rest of the weekend I alternated between attending workshops, browsing the book fair, and chatting with my homeschooling friends.

In my earlier years of homeschooling, I spent a LOT of time in the vendor hall looking at curriculum, talking to vendors, comparing materials, deciding on purchases for the coming year. This year, I was much more casual, looking around for enrichment items for the most part, and purchasing a board game,some story CDs, a grammar workbook, and a book for me. I went to workshops on support group leadership, romance in marriage, homeschooling high schoolers (even though I've done it 4 times, I'm starting high school with the last one this fall) and discovering God's plan for your life.

Why do I still go to the Homeschool Conference? My husband tells me that after homeschooling for 18 years and graduating 4 of our 5 children, I cannot possibly need to buy any more books! (he's so wrong!) Over the years, I have heard dozens of homeschool speakers talk on every topic under the sun and read even more books, blogs, and websites. So what it there left to learn? I go to Conference for the same reason I still am active in our homeschool support group, and that is ENCOURAGEMENT. Homeschool moms, no matter how long they have been doing this or how old their children, need encouragement. We need affirmation and inspiration and motivation. Every child is different, every stage of life is different, every year is different. I always come away from Conference with a "nugget" - some information or exhortation that is just for me where I am right now.  This year, the nuggets mostly had to do with marriage, and the need to purposefully take care of that very important relationship and not let homeschooling or anything else drive a wedge between husband and wife. Heidi St. John is my new favorite homeschool speaker, and her workshops titled "The Busy Homeschool Mom's Guide to Romance" and "Ten Marriage Myths That Will Steal Your Joy" were funny, informative, and yes, convicting.

Here are Heidi's Top Ten Myths:

#1  My homeschooling wife doesn't care if  I help or not.
#2  Myspouse understands my non-verbal cues.
#3  Being a parent should come first.
#4  We are okay living parallel lives.
#5  If we just "keep love alive", our marriage relationship will take care of itself.
#6  Date night means dinner and a movie.
#7  Joy is a product of my circumstances.
#8  My spouse can/should  make me truly happy.
#9  My marriage is immune to the possibility of divorce.
#10 My  marriage isn't all that important.

I'll expand on this topic more in another post......



For more information about the North Carolina Homeschool Conference and Book Fair, go to www.conference.nche.com



 

Couples & Singles

Saturday night Mark & I attended the Lighthouse Couples Dinner.  Out of 200+ families in our homeschool group, only 10 signed up for this dinner, and 8 actually made it.  Pretty small turnout, and all but two of the couples are part of the group's leadership.  But we had a blast!  We met at a church, and had a Southern -theme buffet, with each of us bringing part of the meal. I brought sausage gravy & biscuits, and banana pudding.  There was pulled pork, chicken stew, fried chicken, corn pudding, green beans, mashed potatoes, sweet potato casserole, pecan pie, molasses stack cake, chocolate cake, and boiled peanuts.
Everything was delicious - not bad for a group of mostly northern and left-coast transplants!  My friend, Jennifer,  decorated the tables with an Autumn theme -wishful thinking with the outside temps still in the 90's.  After dinner, she had each couple pick an index card out of a stack in her hand. Each card had a different question written on it, and we went around the room, and each person had to answer the question that they or their spouse had picked.  A couple of questions were serious or sentimental. But others led to some pretty hilarious stories.  A wife was compared to Balaam's donkey.  A husband has fantasies about joining a militia. A couple once went 4-wheeling all dressed up to go out to dinner, and ended up getting their car stuck hanging over the edge of a sandpit.  We were all laughing so hard we were practically crying.  Even though the group was small, it was a great night of fellowship and just plain fun.  For me, it was therapeutic. I realized that I don't laugh like that enough.

While planning for this Couples Dinner, which has been a tradition for the past couple of years, the Lighthouse leaders started talking about the single parents in our group. A few recent conversations as well as a series of posts on Spice-line, the local homeschool yahoogroup, had highlighted the fact that single parent homeschoolers often feel left out of support group and church activities. So in a couple of weeks we are having a Breakfast especially for single parent homeschoolers or those whose spouses are deployed or who travel frequently.  The purpose is to
#1 - make them feel welcome in the group,
#2 - help them to connect with each other so they can share experiences, and
#3- share with the Lighthouse leadership any special needs they have.
We have wondered if there is a need for free or reduced membership fees, for help with carpooling or child care for working moms who would like their kids to be able to participate in actiivities. But we are really only guessing until we can talk in person.  We identified at least 9 families we know of, and a couple more with traveling spouses have contacted us. They all seem very excited about the idea, so I think we have hit upon something.


I'll let you know how it went.

"FIREPROOF" - LOVED IT! - GO SEE IT

Tonight my girls, some friends, and I went to see the movie "Fireproof", which opened in theaters nationwide today. This is another powerful movie from the makers of "Facing the Giants", this time dealing with a firefighter whose marriage is going up in flames. On the brink of divorce, he heeds the advice of his dad and embarks on a 40-day adventure called The Love Dare. The movie does a good job of showing the heartbreak of a neglected and broken relationship and the hard work it takes to restore lost trust. There is a good amount of humor, some tense moments, and a couple of times when a kleenex would have have come in handy.
The story behind the making of this movie is very inspirational as well - it was the project of Sherwood Baptist Church in Albany, GA, and produced almost entirely with a volunteer cast and crew.

I LOVED IT.

GO SEE IT.



www.FireprooftheMovie.com

There is a good review of the movie at Breakpoint .


FIREPROOF is showing in 3 Raleigh theaters - Wakefield 12, North Hills, and Brier Creek!

Wedding Celebration

My girls and I attended the wedding of our pastor's youngest daughter this afternoon. Bride and groom are both in their early twenties, recently out of college. They met in the church nursery, where both had volunteered when extra workers were needed one Sunday morning. Both have a heritage of families who love and serve the Lord; their grandfathers, both retired Baptist ministers, took part in the ceremony. These radiant young people were shining with such love and anticipation, as it should be on one's wedding day. But they also radiated a love for Jesus Christ, evident in the ceremony, in their recorded messages to each other played over the loudspeaker before the start of the ceremony, and in their vows. This wasn't fake or forced or shallow, but deep and abiding. Their first kiss as husband and wife was truly their first kiss, as they had deliberately saved themselves, even during their engagement, for the day when they were wed before God and man. It was both beautiful and encouraging.
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Favorite Christian Family Resources

Family Life and Focus on the Family are two organizations that have provided much information, wisdom, and encouragement to me as a Christian woman, wife, and mother over the years. I used to listen to their radio broadcasts almost daily when my kids were little, but just don't have that time in the afternoon anymore. However, the ability to listen to broadcasts online still allows me to tune in occasionally. Mostly, I now benefit from articles and email newsletters. One that I receive now is called "Moments Together for Couples". It is short but pertinent, challenging me to work on my marriage and bless my husband and walk my talk!

http://www.familylife.com/
http://www.family.org/

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