Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Disappointment and Hope
I haven't posted in over a week. I share with my friend Eve the problem of sitting down at the computer and not feeling that I have anything Positive to share. Disappointment has clouded my joy. And there has been plenty to be joyful about! Alex has been home since the 4th, having finished his BOLC III training (Army talk - Basic Officers Leadership Course) in Maryland, and leaving this weekend to drive to TX, where he'll be based at Fort Hood. It has been great having him home. Today is Amanda's 15th birthday! We are going to a friend's house this afternoon for a swim party with several families who are good friends. Volleyball practices have started, I've been getting school stuff organized for our mid-Aug. start up, we are healthy, the sun is shining...
But I feel like my heart has been wrangled, and although I trust that God has a perfect plan and works out all things for the good of those who love him ( Jeremiah 29:11; Romans 8:28), I am still sad. I have felt a tug, in the past year a very STRONG tug, on my heart to adopt a child or children who have no family and no mother and father to care for them. As my own family is shrinking due to those darn kids growing up and doing what we raised them to do - that is make their own lives in this world - I think that we have a lot to offer a child. We have a stable and loving family, a good home, a living faith. Mark and I are "mature", and are experienced parents! ( nice way of saying we are getting up there in middle age) James 1:22 exhorts believers to live out their faith in action, not just passively believe! And James 1:27 tells us to care for orphans and widows in their distress. I shared these things with my husband, but he hasn't shared my passion on this subject. And this isn't something I can do myself, you know? So I have been praying that either God would change his heart, or show me what he wants me to do with this desire! And I've really been resting there.
Then 2 weeks ago a friend called, out of the blue, and said that she knew of a 6-yr -old little girl who needed a home, and were we interested? Goose bumps popped up on my arms as she told me a little bit about the situation, and I told her I'd ask Mark about it. But I knew what he would say. "Are you kidding? We have our 3rd in college this year, and have just added that college payment to our stretched-thin budget. Work is stressful and I'm maxed out running this homeschool sports program as well as coaching basketball. We have 2 more kids to get through homeschool and college, and then I can RETIRE and we can move to that double-wide in Florida!" (gag!!! NOT!)
That's not what he said. He said, "Find out more. We'll consider this."
Have you ever experienced a miracle in your life?
Well, I think you could have blown me over with a feather. That was an answer to my prayer, right there. Whatever it was about this little girl, or the situation she was in, or the timing... it touched his heart. Lord, are you really going to bless us this way? Man, I shouldn't have sold my K-3 homeschooling books so fast! There were a couple of days of emails back and forth with this friend and a social worker, and we were on the list of families being considered. But then we found out late last week that another family had been chosen.
Right now, Mark has said that this was a one-shot deal. He isn't interested in pursuing adoption except for this one child, and now that isn't going to happen. So I am praying again. I don't believe this was a "coincidence", or that God takes pleasure in holding a carrot in front of our face and then snatching it away. There is a purpose for this event happening in our life right now. Perhaps it was to soften and break up the "hard ground", preparing us for something yet to come. I don't know.
( but Eve, I thought that Ryan was TOAST )
But you know, I still have, and always will have HOPE. And I have a Savior who loves me.