Keeping Your Teen's Heart

Over the years, I have often been inspired and encouraged by the writing and speaking of Sally Clarkson.    Her book, "Educating the Whole-Hearted Child" resonated with me and had a big influence on how I choose to homeschool my children, and the atmosphere I try to create ( however poorly ) in my home.


I love this post - Keeping Your Child's Heart Through the Teen Years - about creating a family culture that will compete with all the distractions of modern society for the hearts of our children as they grow into the teenage years and beyond. 

http://www.itakejoy.com/keeping-your-childs-heart-through-the-teen-years/

 

Common Sense: Young Children NEED Their Parents

I was recently talking with a young mom whose 3 children were all preschoolers.  Her oldest was approaching "school age", and she was considering homeschooling but had a lot of questions.  I love talking to people about homeschooling and I think questions are GREAT. 
Anyway, this mom was concerned because her child was rather clingy and didn't like being away from her, and people around her were telling her that this child NEEDED to learn to be away from her.  So obviously, homeschooling was a terrible idea because how would her child learn to be independent and to get along  with others, right?

hmmmm.

I looked this mom in the eyes and gently said, "It is perfectly normal for your preschooler to want to be with you.  Young children are SUPPOSED to want to be with their parents. Young children NEED their parents. That is God's design."

It was like the weight of the world fell off of this precious mama's shoulders.  Her whole face lit up as she whispered, "You're right!"

We talked about the many ways that a mother can teach her child social skills as they are out and about in their community, shopping, going to the library, going to church, going to the post office.

"When you are with mommy,  it is safe to answer a stranger when they say hello.  Look in the person's eyes and say hello. Great job!"

"It's not polite to point at people and say things about them, honey. It might hurt their feelings."

"Don't forget to say 'please' and 'thank you'.



Our society has decided that experts should raise children, and parents must peel those tiny, trusting fingers off of their own and  "separate" themselves from their babies.  Then the parents will be FREE -  free to pursue their own interests, go out and make a buck (so they can send at least half of the paycheck to the government ), go to the gym, volunteer,  or do other very important stuff.  And some "expert" - thoroughly immersed, of course, in the most progressive child development theories - can worry about raising those kids.

To me, that is very sad.  What does your heart tell you? 

Is It Bad to Shelter My Children?

This week's meme on Heart of the Matter is the following quote:


"Clearly there is an appropriate kind of sheltering. When those who are opposed to homeschooling accuse me of sheltering my children, my reply is always, 'What are you going to accuse me of next, feeding and clothing them?" ~R.C. Sproul Jr




This makes me laugh, I guess because to me it seems so obvious. OF COURSE I shelter my children! What is the definition of shelter? It means to protect, guard, shield, or defend. Every good parent shelters their child from danger and from harmful influences. You shelter your child from being run over by a car by teaching him never to play in the street and to look both ways before crossing and then by supervising your young child when he is in the vicinity of a busy street! You shelter your child from disease by having him immunized or by making him wear warm clothes in the winter and teaching him to wash his hands. You shelter your children from potential abuse by teaching them to be wary of strangers, that parts of their body are private, to scream and run away and tell a parent if someone tries to touch them inappropriately or hurt them. This is all just normal parenting!

So I think everyone agrees that some sheltering is normal and completely appropriate! But what is really being said when homeschool parents are accused of sheltering their children? We are not being accused of being good parents! No, the suggestion is that we OVER-protect our children - that we shelter and defend and guard them TOO much. Obviously, there will be differences in how parents treat various issues in raising their children! I may shelter my children from certain movies, books, and video games that others allow their children access to. But I also know some parents who would consider my standards way too lax! So, who is right? And who gets to make that decision? Should the government tell me what I can shelter my children against and what I can't? Should my neighbor tell me what is good for my family and what is not? My own values drive the parenting decisions I make, and that is the the way I think it should be. I believe that parents have an inalienable right to direct the upbringing - including the education - of their children. I'm not talking about extremes of abuse and wickedness - no, I don't believe that parents have the right to lock their children in closets or chain them to beds and deny them basic elements of nutrition and sanitation. But those types of sad situations are anomalies and extremely rare - to be dealt with as criminal behavior, and not akin to things like disallowing certain types of music in ones' home or favoring curriculum that upholds a particular set of religious beliefs. Yet it seems as if those things are lumped together in the minds of some critics of homeschooling. It astonishes me that there are people who think that everyone should be taught exactly the same thing, at the same time, in the same way! And these are generally the same people who trumpet the value of diversity! HA!

I believe that when people say I am over-protecting my children, they really mean that I am not doing things their way - I am imparting my own values, beliefs, and opinions to my children, and am somehow obstructing the goals of "society" by doing so. Even Christian parents buy into the notion that children must all be "adequately socialized" so that they can live effectively in the "real world". Is the "real world" age-segregated into grade levels, peer-driven with a strict social caste system ruled by popularity, and tasks compartmentalized into 60-minute class periods ? Why do we think that children NEED to be with large groups of other children every day? Why are we as parents dependant on numerical grades and artificial "tests" to tell us how successful and valuable our children are? Why is it okay to treat children as miniature adults, whether by teaching them about adult sexual behavior or expecting them to be missionaries in a school environment hostile to Christianity, but not okay to want to preserve their innocence throughout their childhood so they can just be kids?

As several other bloggers have noted in response to the above quote, the Bible gives support in this matter of appropriate sheltering. As a matter of fact, the Bible teaches us to live holy, or "set apart", lives. ( 1 Pet. 1:15) I shelter my children from certain influences because I want to help them SHINE as a light in a dark world when they get older, not just blend in and look like everyone else! Do we really want our children to conform to the standards of society today?
Romans 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
2 Timothy 2:22 Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.
Proverbs 13:20 He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.
Proverbs 29:25 Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe.
There is an excellent 2-part article by Jonathan Lindvall over at Bold Christian Living. It is titled Sheltering Children - Part 1: God's Mandate for Holiness, and Sheltering Children -Part 2: Parental Responsibility for Influences. While I don't necessarily agree with all of his conclusions, it contains much food for thought.

Homeschoolers Making Friends

"How will they ever make friends?"

This question may come from a well-meaning but often uninformed person when hearing that you homeschool your children. It makes me chuckle, because it suggests an underlying assumption that #1 -homeschoolers never leave their houses, and #2 - school is the only place kids can meet other kids. However, it is a real concern that new homeschoolers often have, since homeschooled kids are obviously not surrounded by a classroom full of their peers and a school building full of children each and every day. Since my children have been homeschooled for the past 14 years, and they seem to have TONS of friends, I had to stop and think - how did they make these friends?

Homeschool Support Group - obviously, being involved in a local homeschool group is one way for homeschooled children to find friends. When we first started homeschooling, we belonged to a small support group of only 8 families. This was great for us moms, but my oldest ended up feeling somewhat left out because there weren't any other boys his age in the group. We were friends with a homeschool family from our church with kids the same age as mine, and their neighbors were also homeschoolers, so play time at their house was always fun. Our kids all got along great, so we arranged for them to play together about once a week. Two years later, I helped start another support group, which quickly grew in size. Through this group, we participated in field trips, a weekly co-op, twice a month park days, a monthly oral presentation day, and other things. Mostly, the same people would be at each of these things, so there was repeated exposure to a group of homeschooled kids, and relationships grew. Today, I see our support group having less participation in these kinds of activities although it is 10x the size it was when we started. I think part of the problem is that you rarely see the same people at more than one event. There is just too much for homeschoolers to choose from in the area now, and it competes with support group activities. Still, participating on regular basis in support group activities will give kids a chance to get to know other homeschoolers.

Church - We have always been active in church, and my children made friends there, with kids from public and Christian schools as well as homeschools. We have always been selective in the activities we participated in, and just because the church was doing it didn't mean we would go. But in general, we found a lot of benefit from our children participating in Sunday School and Team Kid ( later Awanas) and yes, even Youth Group! They also have worked in the nursery, helped in the Food Pantry, and gone on a summer missions trip.

Sports - My kids enjoy athletics, so our kids started at age 5 or 6 playing on various sports teams run by the town, church, or homeschool association - soccer, baseball, basketball, volleyball. Involvement in sports is a big commitment, but it has been a great outlet for my kids and something we all enjoy. As much as possible, the whole family attends games and siblings cheer on their brother or sister. Dad has been involved in coaching. And the kids have made some good friends through playing on teams season after season.

Christian Camp - My kids attend a nearby Christian Camp for a week every summer, and as teens they work there as CITs ( counselors in training ). My college-age daughter has worked as a counselor there for the past 3 summers and my son is hoping to be on staff this summer. Some of their best friends in the world are from this camp. Because it is local, most of the campers and staff live in the area, so there are monthly activites at the camp year round where they have opportunity to stay in contact with kids they meet during the summer.

Classes / Co-ops - We are currently participating in a weekly co-op of 13 families who all are using Tapestry of Grace Yr. 1 as their curriculum. We meet every Friday from 9:30-1:30, in small groups divided by grade level, ie. preK, K-3rd , 4th-6th, 6th-7th, and 8th-9th graders. The kids have really grown close to the other kids in co-op ~ we knew most of them before we started, but not all.
In years past, the kids made new friends in our support group's weekly enrichment co-op that met 1 afternoon a week for 8-10 weeks. Both of these co-op situations had built in lunch or snack time where the kids could just hang out and talk and maybe play in the gym or outside. These were the times when they got the chance to talk and get to know each other. We have also arranged small co-ops around a certain subject. For instance, we had a great time doing General Science and Physical Science with a few other families every other week, with the moms taking turns teaching. I have also taught classes at my kitchen table from time to time, inviting other families to join us for Art or an "American Girl" unit study or a Keepers at Home club.

Boy Scouts - my older boys both participated in Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts for many years and both earned their Eagle Rank. Their experiences were different as far as making friends goes. My oldest son made some great friends in Scouting, and actually shared an apartment, nicknamed the Eagles Nest, his senior year of college with 2 old friends from Scouting. My middle son enjoyed Scouts and was friendly with the boys there, but none became real friends.

Which just points out that you can't "make" friendships happen. Sometimes our kids ( and us ) will click with people and sometimes they won't. If your whole reason for participating in an activity is to "make friends", then you might be disappointed. But if you make an effort to choose a few activities that your children ENJOY, and then do them consistently, chances are they will find a couple of people that they have things in common with and will want to spend time together. And if you are the type of mom who doesn't like to leave the house or who doesn't like anything to mess up your routine, you might need to stretch out of your comfort zone.

Another thing to remember is that some people like to be active and around lots of people and have lots of friends, but others are more reserved and quiet and more comfortable with only one or two other people. Consider these things when choosing activities for your children to be involved in. Also realize that kids don't really need to be together with friends every day. That much contact can actually be very draining on some children. Pray for guidance as you make choices that work for your child and your family.

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art . . . It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.
C. S. Lewis