There Must Be Something in the Water: Thoughts on Homeschool Mamas and Teen-age Boys

Last night I spoke to about 60 people at our homeschool support group meeting about homeschooling through high school. I covered a lot of different topics - touching on things like graduation requirements, high school testing, credits, transcripts, etc. and then busting some of the myths surrounding homeschooling through high school, such as "parents aren't qualified to teach high school subjects", "homeschooled students cannot get good jobs or go to college" and "they'll miss out on Prom".  But it was the final topic I discussed that got the most response and comments after the meeting ended, and that was Homeschool Mamas and Teen-age Boys.  

I have raised 3 boys of my own, and have talked with many, many mothers of sons about this topic, and it seems to be pretty universal and disconcerting!    Somewhere around the age of 12,  they discover that we moms have lost part of our brains.  We go from being very smart, even brilliant,  people who can solve almost any problem and fix almost anything, to suddenly not being very smart at all and also somewhat annoying.  We don't know the answers, we don't know the best way to do things, and we don't have the right opinion on anything.  In addition to losing our minds, we have also lost our looks.  We were once beautiful and the women our little boys wanted to marry one day.  Now they are embarrassed to be seen with us. 

It must be something in the water, because we aren't the only ones who have changed. Our little boys who were once cuddly, enthusiastic, eager to please, and obedient ( okay, okay, that's a stretch -  but true at least part of the time? )  suddenly become withdrawn, emotional, distracted, and disrepectful. They don't want to do their schoolwork. They talk back. They sleep all the time. They challenge your authority, your wisdom, and your fairness. 

"Who are you and what did you do with my son?"

Some boys only show glimpses of this hijacking, but for others it is quite prominent.  Suddenly our sons are taller than us, stronger than us, and they don't seem to like us or take us seriously.   This is tough, uncharted territory for all moms, and for homeschooling moms it can cause a quite dramatic reaction.   "I can't do this!  He isn't doing his work. He isn't listening to me.  He needs to go to real school because of course he will  listen to someone else."

I do not have an answer and I don't know of a cure.  But my encouragement to you is that it doesn't last forever.  A few years.  But not forever.  This is a period of time when our little boys are growing into men, and for a while they just don't know what to do with themselves!  They want to be treated like grown ups one minute, and the next they are crying, "I can't do that! I'm just a kid!"  One minute they cringe when you give them a hug, and the next minute  all 5'10" of them is crawling into your lap.   Their bodies are changing, their brains are changing.  Hormones make them crazy. 

I think it is different with our daughters, because we can sympathize with them! We were young girls once, and remember the angst and the cramps and the discomfort and the uncertainty that those years brought, and can identify with them better. But young men are  different creatures entirely;  and that just reminds us that we don't understand our husbands half the time either, and now we have TWO men to deal with. 

 
DON'T  PANIC!

Maybe it's time for Dad to take son out for a burger and a talk about manhood, respect for those in authority, humility, God's order, and possible consequences for bad behavior.

Beyond that, I think we moms need to dish out heaps of GRACE! (unmerited favor)   We need to be calm and consistent in reminding our boys of their boundaries and their responsibilities.  Let me emphasize the word CALM.

We can perhaps let go and give them some of the control they crave. Let him stay up late and sleep later in the morning, or go outside without a jacket in the middle of the winter, or eat  pizza and Doritos for lunch every day, or take a 45 minute shower.  Ask if there is something he would really like to study this year, or let him choose between math curriculum A or math curriculum B. 

We need to continue to be their cheerleader and biggest fan, because their disdain is really a mask. Our boys desperately want to know they are loved and accepted. 

Don't stop pointing them to God and his Word.  Remind him that God allows us to struggle  so that we can be refined and grow stronger and closer to Him. 

Read lots of biographies of good role models and watch movies that teach solid messages about character.  Teach Godly character. Model Godly character. 

Don't be stingy with hugs, backrubs, and smiles. Remind them that you like them.

Maintain a sense of humor.  Laugh with them. ( not at them. never at them.)  Sometimes they are really funny.

Feed them a lot.  Their favorite meal or some warm brownies, even after a tough couple of days of banging heads, sends a strong message. 

Encourage physical activity as an outlet for some of that aggressive energy.  Team sports, running, biking, tae kwon do, swimming, rock climbing, jumping jacks! 

These are just some suggestions. Pray and ask God to show you the best way to parent your child.  Anger, insults, and a hard-nosed strictness are probably not the best reaction to this stage of your child's development.  And my answer to "If they won't listen to me and respect me, won't they be better off learning from somebody else?"  [ meaning "in school"] is "Is it more important that he get the essay written and the geometry lesson done or that he feel loved and hear about righteousness and character and Truth and God's plan for us?  Are you okay that  strangers, whose worldviews you know nothing about, walk with him through this time of his life and mold him and direct him?  Whose voice do you want him to hear on a daily basis?"

Don't give up!   They do come out on the other side. 

Galatians 6:9   Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

2 Corinthians 4:17-18   For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary ,and what is unseen is eternal.


I have found these resources to be very helpful.
Raising Real Men  
Hal and Melanie Young are Christian homeschool parents who understand boys.  They have written a book, and their website and blog also contain lots of helpful articles and information.

Homeschooling Boys
This site does not seem to have been updated in a while, but still has some helpful articles by a number of authors, including Mark Hamby, Barbara Shelton, and Terri Camp. 

Homeschool-Your-Boys
This is a newer blog, but I've read a couple of articles here that are very good.

Raising Real Men

The 1st Tuesday of November = Election Day.   I am pleased with the results, as I truly believe our government was making very bad decisions regarding the economy and many other issues.  I do believe in individual liberty and responsibility -  I'm a homeschooler, after all - and that smaller is better when it comes to the federal government!  So I'm hoping that the newly elected GOP members of Congress have heard the Tea Party message loud and clear and will take it to heart!


The 1st Tuesday of November, or of any month, is also our Lighthouse homeschool support group meeting night.   Last night we had a great turnout - probably close to 100 people - to hear our guest speakers, Hal & Melanie Young, talk about "Raising Real Men".   Hal & Melanie are homeschool parents of 8 children - 6 boys & 2 girls - and have written a book called "Raising Real Men: Surviving, Teaching, and Appreciating Boys".

Together, often finishing each other's sentences, Hal & Melanie shared wonderful insight into appreciating the qualities that God has seen fit to pour into our male children -  ambition, competition, aggressiveness, adventure, boldness.  These are traits that we don't want to squelch, as we want to see our young men grow up to be strong, bold, adventurous leaders - of their nation, community, church, and family!   Even the most quiet, mild-mannered boy will someday grow up to lead a household - and he should be encouraged to develop the skills and qualities that will enable him to do that with excellence!   Now, if misdirected or left unchecked, these traits can lead to some common sins, such as anger, laziness, and lust, and as parents, we need to be diligent to make our boys aware of these pitfalls and to steer them away into more positive, constructive habits. 

They talked about boys & heroes.   When you look around at the heroes embraced by a majority of young men today, it can make you cringe.  Athletes, actors, singers, and other celebrities are typically the object of adulation, and very rarely could they be considered desirable role models!  As parents, it is our job to teach our boys about REAL heroes, who exemplify real virtues like courage, honor, integrity, leadership, determination, humility, kindness, and self-control. We also must teach our boys that REAL heroes, real men, make mistakes too.  George Washington, Martin Luther, William Carey,  William Wilberforce, Abraham Lincoln  - these were not perfect men. But they were men of strong, Godly character, courage,  and conviction.
It is also vital that fathers understand their role as Hero.   A boy will look to his dad as his first hero, and that position carries a huge responsibility!

Hal & Melanie talked about teaching our boys responsibility and leadership bit by bit, first by giving them small tasks, and gradually increasing expectations as they prove faithful in the small things. There is a biblical example to follow here. A practical tip was to give a chore or responsibility to the youngest child capable of doing it - not the oldest, as we are prone to do ( because more training has occurred and that usually means the job gets done faster and better ).  We moms need to relinquish some of our desire for efficiency and perfection in order to allow for training and learning - THAT is our purpose, mamas.  Our home is a training ground!    This is something that I realize I have not done very successfully in my family. My youngest has been let off pretty easy, so some things need to change around here  - pronto. 

In discussing discord among brothers, the Youngs cautioned against calling something sin thatis not.  Wrestling, teasing, poking, jabbing - typical boy activities- are not necessarily sinful, but cross the line when someone is being hurt.  If no one is objecting, then it is probably okay to let it go. But if someone is being physically or emotionally hurt, then that has crossed the line.  Toy weapons are okay, as our boys are wired to be defenders and to do battle for their families and for God, but weapons shouldn't be aimed at another person.  Because "you don't aim unless you intend to shoot, and you don't shoot unless you intend to kill", said Hal.  So toy guns and bows & arrows are aimed at targets, or at imaginary bears, robbers, bad guys -  always good vs. evil.  Again, think in terms of what you are training your boys to be!


Finally, they briefly touched upon purity, and urged parents to not wait too long to engage your sons in discussions about purity and proper attitudes towards young ladies. The  "I don't want to introduce those thoughts into his mind" argument is naive at best.  Even if you don't have a TV in your house, you'd have to put blindfolds on your sons as you drove down the street or walked through any mall or even grocery store to avoid images of beautiful women selling just about any product a guy might buy.  Just about every TV show aimed at kids age 6 or older includes a boy/girl relationship of some kind. This is something that parent must confront head on, teaching what is right and good and true, and also why the attitudes portrayed and embraced by so much of society are damaging and destructive.

I bought Hal & Melanie's book last night and have just started reading it. I encourage you to do the same. The book has gotten great reviews and endorsements. You can find out more at their website,  www.raisingrealmen.com